Buffalo Bills: My Mom vs. Dan Dierdorf


Ok. Something weird today. The other Buffalo team, the lackluster Bills, are playing today against the Hatetriots… I mean Patriots. The real story of today’s game though is the fact that CBS decided to put known Bills hater Dan Dierdorf as color commentator for the game. Why is this so intriguing, you ask? Because my mother, who I get to see now that I am on winter break, hates Dan Dierdorf. With a passion. A fiery passion of intense hate. INTENSE HATE. I’ve decided to document the best quotes of my mother from the game for the first time in history.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is going to be epic.

And away we go:

Dierdorf: “The worst part of this drive is that the Bills are kicking a field goal. It’s very disappointing.”

Mom:  “Why is that a bad decision Dierdorf? Because we’re winning? Because the Bills scored? Is that why it’s bad? Because we’re winning the game?”

Now, just to let you know, my mom usually can’t stand to listen to Dierdorf and puts on everyone’s favorite duo of Kelso and Murph. Today, however, is different. We’re sticking with Dierdorf for the sake of  of The Ruff Writers. Woo hoo.

Mom: “Well, so far we won the quarter…”

A common quote seems to be:

Mom: “Get him! Get him! Get him! Oy vey…”

Dierdorf: “Buffalo is statistically the worst run defense in the league.”

Mom: “Gee thanks Dierdorf! Thanks for pointing that out!”

Upon seeing Donte Whitner swipe and hit Randy Moss’s man candy in slow mo on the long pass interference:

Mom: “He grabbed for the biggest thing on the field!”

After Pats touchdown:

Dierdorf: “Well how good was that!”

Mom (impersonating Dierdorf): “Oh! Oh! How great! The team I’m rooting for scored! How wonderful!”

Just as a side, what the hell is up with that friggin clown on that Garmin commercial?

And what’s with the dude who can’t get it up and is talking to himself in the reflection of window? Stuffs just weird man.

Temporary loss of feed of the game… Time to put on the radio…

Murph (on the radio): “Alright the touchdown, how did Randy Moss get so open?”

Step-dad: “Uh… He ran down the field?”

Mom: “And he’s playing the Bills?”

TV feed is back just in time for a commercial break…

Ok, My Step-Dad just put what looks to be half of a pine tree in the fire place… Lovely.

Step-Dad (pointing at player’s hand warmer): “Look at his fanny pack!”

Mom: “It’s a hand warmer”

Jamie (my  20 year old sister): “Why the hell would they need a fanny pack for on the field?”

Mom: “To keep their lip gloss in!”

End of the half and there is little going on. The bills are losing yadda yadda yadda.

Mom (on ensuing kick off, at player with dreads): “Get him! Pull his hair! Yank his dreads!!”

Dierdorf: “I”ll give ya two stats about Welker: 5’9, 185.”

Mom: “Why don’t ya give us your stats, Dierdorf? His mouth is the biggest thing on him…”

Mom: “Get it to T.O., what do we even have that guy for?”

David: “Blogging and that lovely T.O.’s cereal which is only $1.50 a box.”

My mom is calling for Brohm… 2 quarterbacks down, 1 to go I guess. We’re done with Fitz and Edwards, time to try out the last option?

Speak of the devil, Perry Fewell has pulled Ryan Fitzpatrick and put in Trent “Tree Stump” Edwards. Here we go again.

Mom (after seeing a Peyton Manning commercial): “Watching Trent Edwards only makes my love for Peyton Manning greater…”

Mom (seeing Trent carted off): “Oh, bye bye Trent. Go watch the Colts game and she how a real quarterback plays…”

Mom (on fourth down): “Fake the pass and go for the field goal!” She would like me to clarify that she was clearly joking, in case you couldn’t pick that up (which you probably could because, come on, you read The Ruff Writers and thus you are super awesome and better than everyone else).

Mom (directed at Dierdorf): “IT’S LEE EVANS NOT JOSH EVANS, YOU MORON. GET IT RIGHT.”

Alright, that will pretty much do it. No real excitement in this game but it was a good time with the family, as it always is. It’s games like these that make me glad to be a Sabres fan. Oh well, what can ya do.

Quote of the day:

Mom: “I’m your mother and I’m still in charge.”

Jamie: “…no matter how much you want to blog about me.”

Anywho, enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Go Sabres! See you tomorrow for a game preview!

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About AndrewTRW

Sabres blogger with a propensity for music and sarcasm. The Ruff Writers dot Wordpress

One response to “Buffalo Bills: My Mom vs. Dan Dierdorf”

  1. Mike says :

    Really liked this line: “Why don’t ya give us your stats, Dierdorf?”

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